11 years old

during creative writing today, we were made to write and share our lifestory. this was what i wrote:

11 years old
attended 1st funeral wake. touched and felt a dead body.
chinese traditions; superstitious; religious
grandma passed away.

I remebered wishing the death of my grandmother. She was ill, she had diabetes. She lost her sight and her kidneys failed her. My dad had to regularly send her to the hospital. I felt like I lost my father. He never could bring us to the park on weekends anymore. She was a burden, i wished she was dead.

When she died, i was scared. i was afraid her soul would haunt me because i wished her dead. i was afraid her soul would see through my evil heart.

I remembered the religious prayers and rites conducted at the wake. It felt all supernatural. The bells chimed to every mourners' misery. The priest chanted his song of monotony. I never quite liked it. They were surreal to me.

I needed a less haunting religion.